"we're cool, just don't call me out like that in the meeting again"
oh, i won't call you out in a meeting again. you've got your point - i'm not going to dispute that. it's more important to understand than to be understood. but at the end, i understand this most of all: we're not cool. we never were. and to think that i trusted you enough after a few short weeks to think that we were, well that just shows me that i was being a dumbass.
i know damn well that you can't trust people at work. i'm experienced enough to know better. i know that no matter how cool someone tries to get with you, they will never, ever understand you or where you're coming from. they will certainly never understand your honesty or sense of humour, and you'll sure as hell never be able to adapt to theirs. you are going to put your fucking foot in your mouth and piss off the wrong person eventually so it is best to simply stop trying to fit in, be friends, loosen up, any of that. you are simply too awkward around these people and you fucking know that!
no more mr funny guy. time to be a full on class a mr serious. because the next time they decide to pull a hissy fit it could land you in fucking court. just don't even go there because they are most certainly not worth it.
i write this because, as expected, after a few weeks of remaining on guard and 100% professional around these two oddballs who are obviously bffs, i began to loosen up a little and let my guard down, exposing my sense of humour and playing along a little with their gags. at first, i was afraid to do this, because it is very difficult (read: impossible) to censor myself effectively for strangers/professional environment if i'm allowing brevity.
the problem with not censoring myself effectively is that i have a mean voice inside. it says things through me that sound WAY different than what i actually mean. it comes from my family, from the way we've been raised for generations. there is just some really cutting, awful shit that comes out sometimes, and the saddest thing is, it usually comes out when we are trying, from the heart, to help out and be honest.
this is the curse of my family: to, while trying really hard to offer help or honest advice, completely belittle someone and make them feel inadequate and hopeless. you feel in your chest that you're projecting empathy and sincerity, and what comes out of your mouth ends up being wrong, and you just watch as the other person's face twists up in pain. people almost never want to hear the truth, no matter how you say it. and then you realize afterward that this person just shut down completely and thinks you're an absolute fuckhead for saying whatever it is that you said.
so after you called me out for making you feel icky (by offering a helping hand), and me feeling shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, guilt, shame, shame, shame and guilt, now i'm just pissed. because at the end of the day it's my own fucking fault. i know better. i let my guard down. i hurt someone else by letting my awful self out. and at the end of it all, i feel like that person is a fuckhead for getting hurt over something so trivial.
that's complicated. and i'm not trying to live a complicated life. so here's the news: we are not cool. we will never be cool. it's professional and that's it.
my mouth is shut and will not open again.