Thursday, June 25, 2009

minor fling

can someone please tell me why in american shonen jump, lord fukasaku talks like mickey, rocky balboas coach?

surprisingly there are no easy to find videos of him so if you dont know what i'm talking about you'll just have to imagine.

"get up, naruto! ya cant let em beat ya like that!"

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

mother of mary, million dollar lunatics

man oh man but the specials bring out the freaks.

unsweet tea lady (have i written about her?) shows up typically close to closing time and orders the 545 while bitching about the toilet rocking back and forth (yes its coming off the floor but your 3 foot wide ass doesnt help), asking for her sandwiches "one at a time" and spreading out 6 months worth of junk mail to sort through and hanging out until i cut off the lights. then when i help her get her shit out to her car cuz i'm nice (and i really want to go home) she goes on a rant about our full trashcans, infestation, and bulldyke haircuts. then she "left her lights on" so i had to pull around and make sure her car started. thank god it did cuz i dont have cables anyway!

she also asked us to take her remaining beef chunks out of the bag so they could "cool down" (they are lukewarm to begin with!) so that she can freeze them when she gets home. talk about a nasty future snack.

tonite a guy pulls in, presumably somewhat hammered, and makes a big deal about ordering something that wont take long to make so that he doesnt "make the cook mad" cuz he knows we are about to close (thx for the respex), yet even after much prodding and suggestions winds up ordering standard fare and takes a full ten minutes just to order and then holds up the line trying to pick up the lady working drive thru. this guy made us laugh our asses off after a very rough night. thx hammered guy!

after him is another drunk that asks who he's speaking with (who asks this in drive thru?) so that he knows who to call when he's ready. lots of people listening man, just holla. we are all electronically connected to these sweaty ass headsets. orders finally and tried to pick up said drive thru young lady right after wierd "piss off the cook" (we have a cook?) guy has given her his card and said to call him for a good time.

numerous other freaks have shown up but i cant remember them now for some reason. it's been rough. we also have new hire pains going on right now as we finally start to get busy again because of the lauded 545 special. of course the minute i schedule someone to train on a "slow" shift, that shift becomes a clusterfuck of the most confusing and retarded customers. so my trainee learned basically nothing tonite. plus he came in late, unshaven, AND stoned! fuck man where do i find these ppl.

the shake machine breaks, and surprisingly only 3 ppl tried to order shakes. usually when you are out of something or required equipment isnt working, everyone wants what you cant make. this one lady comes in and orders fruit tea with no ice (disgusting syrupy madness) and surprisingly likes it. another couple orders pepsi and dr pepper only to complain that they are overcarbonated. overcarbonated? seriously! who writes this shit! chick substitutes a lemonade and homey tries the sobe energy drink. "what flavor is it?" "um dude it just says sobe energy. it's yellow. that tell you anything?" and finally settles on an "overcarbonated" pepsi instead. at least they were really nice about it and had a good laugh with me. god knows i need it.

meanwhile after giving two weeks notice at my hated job, my new (hopeufully) job is giving me the runaround on training and work schedules. there is a conflict between my school schedule and training, or the full time schedule, or whatever.

for fucks sake people! part time is fine! just get me in there and we'll figure it out! my god stop screwing me around and let me do a damn fine job for you! and please dont make me have to slink back to my current employer and say "actually it didnt work out. i am your slave for another indefinite period of time." i really dont want to do that. and to top it all off? today i get a jury duty summons! fuck you, voter registration! i didnt sign up to sit on a jury! i just wanted to vote for ron paul! and i did and i knew he wouldnt win. i'm just principled like that. but the kicker is that this jury duty starts right when my training class is supposed to! so here is the state trying to fucking hold me down for god knows what minor case in the middle of me trying to turn the pages of my goddamn life! you know, i love courtroom dramas. i used to watch the practice and ally mcbeal and one of my favorite shows is harvey birdman, attorney at law, and my favorite ds game is phoenix wright ace attorney! so i would seriously love to go to jury duty. just NOT RIGHT NOW FOR GOD'S SAKE!

i will break down these goddamn barriers and i will prevail. nothing can stop me. i mean that with everything that i am. keep throwing it at me and i will shovel your shit out of my way!

FUCK!

in other news i used my mechanical skills to install two license plate lamp assemblies on my POS van. there is absolutely no information on this on the internet, and even my dad couldnt tell me how to do it. but god damn i pulled it off. i had to do this to pass my inspection. so i go to the inspection station and guess what? i got turned away because they had RUN OUT OF STICKERS! FUCK YOU BUREAUCRACY + SATELLITE COMPANIES THAT ALLOW ME TO COMPLY WITH THE LAW! wasting all my fucking time.

how do you run out of stickers?

FUCK FUCK FUCK!

Monday, June 22, 2009

miracles of moderate motion

\request new chapter;
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\access granted. enjoy the next chapter of your life


it's coming. new things are happening. the same things, but different. i have acquired a new job. it does not involve the slightest bit of grease and actually takes advantage of my intelligence, techknowledge, teaching ability and people skills. i will soon be working as a tier one tech support rep subcontracted to at&t through several other companies. i would like to take a moment to say

HOLY SHIT THANK THE GODS I'VE BEEN PRAYING FOR A JOB LIKE THIS ALL MY FUCKING LIFE I'M LEAVING THE GREASEPIT BEHIND THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

of course, there are a few things that could go wrong. but i know they wont. i wont let that happen.

..........

huh. i usually have a lot more to say. maybe i'm not drunk enough yet.

several peoples chapters are ending, new ones beginning. i guess its some sort of late spring for peoples lives. my brother is finally trying to get a job, my old boss finally got promoted out of the store after 20 years in the company. my neighbor and good friend finally got her own car. things are shaking up for more people that i dont even know, i'm sure.

i write this as the final few pages of the arby's chapter of my existence. i've got about two weeks left until i start training for my new job. i'll probably linger on there for a shift or two to help out in my spare time (what spare time?) until they get their shit together after my absence. then i can close the book on that filthy, confused, disgusting hole of a restaurant for good.

the 5 for 5 is back for the last two weeks of my employment there. yes, in a desperate hail mary attempt to get people to remember arby's when they get a craving for grease, arbys restaurant group has brought back the only thing it is famous for, the loftily catchy 5 fer 5! whoo hoo gimme 50 of the motherfuckers! i dont even care whats on em! uhh what is on em anyway? i dont want no cheese er nuthin. and gimme plenty uh that sauce! what's it called, uh, ponys, uh, larvaes, uh yeah thats it that thur arbys and horsey sauce! 500 of em!

this ought to be a fucking blast. this special will run for two weeks, and we will see a massive outpouring of roast beef lovers come to get their greasy mystery meat fix. the problem is, the 545 never gets out of peoples heads. if you said "five fer five" somewhere in a tribal region of papua new guinea, the savages would all immediately crave bargain basement priced beef and begin a tribe-wide nomadic movement, following the stars to the nearest arbys. its that ingrained in the collective consciousness of humanity.

the problem with this, as i have said before, is that once the special is over, people never get over it. they either ask for it by name every time they come to the store, cringing and becoming incensed when they are told that it's more like five for seven, PLUS TAX, or they just order a bunch of shit and then when they get their total they just look at you like you're cheating them and exclaim "but i thought it was FIVE BUCKS!"

the special ends and these people trickle in for another week or so, mostly driving away when there are no more bargains of biblical proportion, maybe sticking around for a roastburger, and then heading back off to wendy's or mcdonalds where they were going before the promo started; thus defeating arbys' attempt to drive more permanent traffic to its locations. another kicker is the way they have been shuffling the menu around lately. we have something like 10,000+ sandwiches that we can make, that all look and sound exactly the same, containing ingredients that vary only slightly from food item to food item, yet varying enough to create huge amounts of obsolete inventory when recipes are changed and new products are added or revised. we recently stepped up to a 21 combo menu, listing most of the stuff we have as combos and almost pushing everything off the edges of the menu boards. our biggest thing is, of course, the roast beef sandwiches. next up are the market fresh sandwiches and then the subs. oh god, the subs.

basically, last year i think, arbys decided to bring back subs. some places have always kept them, but some regions (mine included) got rid of them for god knows what devil inspired reason, prompting people to constantly ask "didnt y'all have that uh french toast dipper er whatever?"

yes, yes, yes. we used to.

but then suddenly we did again, miracle of miracles. only this time the french dip was served up along with 3 other excitingly bland subs which all required their own special ingredients and preparation techniques. the really baffling thing to me was that instead of bringing the subs back on a soft, inviting white roll like they used to be served on, we apparently needed to spice it up to the tune of probably several hundred thousand dollars by ordering special unitasking toasters which are designed to toast the terror of fast food craving mouths everywhere, the loved by focus groups but hated by actual customers and crews, the granite-like, concrete-esque ciabatta roll.

so now that we have these blazing hot toasters, which upon firing up raise the temperature in the entire restaurant by about 5 degrees (sadly i am not exaggerating. they are like mini pizza ovens), and have changed the original recipes of the subs to exclude most of the extra ingredients which made them different in the first place, lo and behold, arby's is asking each franchisee to decide which two subs they would eliminate from the menu! considering the fact that people pretty much only order the french dip unless there is some freaky moon cycle going on and everyone and their stepmom orders an italian, you could eliminate all subs but the french dip and no one would notice! i can imagine the motherfuckers in the arbys test labs silently flagellating themselves in front of some roast beef altar, begging forgiveness for their grave mistake of creating monstrosities of sandwiches that failed to enamor the populace enough to justify the HUGE cost of putting a hellfire powered toaster in every arbys across the FUCKING WORLD only to realize that they should have stuck with what worked and just brought back the french dip on a bun that can be toasted in a standard manner and does not break the teeth of all but the mightiest herbivores.

to top all of this off (you shouldnt be surprised that there's more), arbys is considering doing away with its moderately successful (much more so than subs or chicken, i will admit) market fresh line. there is a big hubbub going down about this because not only are these the most popular items next to the "classic" roast beef, but most arbys franchisees across the country have just invested a not insubstantial amount of money on another desperate "hail mary", the MARKET FRESH catering program. i emphasize that because many of these stores have drafted up catering menus (i proofread the one for our franchise) based solely on the market fresh line, i suppose because it is the most portable. so now that we have invested all this money and time into a fairly popular line of sandwiches and a somewhat unconventional means of getting them out the door for a price, arbys is thinking about

okay i'm going to let you take a guess, who wants to be a millionaire style:

REGIS: is the answer: A)genghis khan, B)genghis khan, C)genghis khan, or D)genghis khan.

YOU: it's definitely C, genghis khan.

REGIS: final answer?

YOU: um i dont know should i use a lifeline oh what the hell how can i honestly get this one wrong YES FINAL ANSWER GENGHIS FUCKING KHAN

REGIS: oooooooooooohhh i'm so sorry but the answer was D, genghis khan.

YOU: FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!

yes! they are thinking about getting rid of the market fresh line altogether, or at the very least, dropping two of the most popular sandwiches we sell, the turkey ranch and bacon and the chicken salad sandwich.

leave it to fucking arbys to shoot themselves in the foot trying to take out the competition. i can understand that you want to get an edge, but come on! all you've been doing is taking the focus off of what you do well, wasting money on unnecessary product and equipment, and discounting while talking about bringing in everyday affordability while simultaneously raising your prices! who the hell is coming up with this shit? this reminds me of what starbucks is doing: start out selling something. figure out that people like it, begin raising prices while adding value. ride high on the hog for a few years then

FUCKING PANIC BECAUSE NOW EVERYONE HAS FIGURED OUT THEY HAVE BEEN BROKE ALL ALONG AND GAS IS SEVEN INFANTS PER GALLON PLUS TAX and they cant fucking afford to drink your goddamn overpriced coffee (or eat your "beef") all fucking week. begin scrambling with "bold" new products, procedures, policies, and advertising designed to bring in new customers while making the current ones come back for more, more often.

FUCKING PANIC BECAUSE NONE OF THAT IS WORKING. IMMEDIATELY SHIT PANTS WHILE SKETCHING OUT NEW PRODUCTS AND ADVERTISEMENTS

you get the picture. this is what companies look like when they are desperate. here's a tip: do what you did to become successful, continue doing it well, get rid of the frills, charge a low price and make sure your crews are giving great service. million dollar equation right there. hey, why dont i run this joint?

but what the fuck do i know about arbys? i just work at one.

thanks to gekkeikan sake for lubricating my tongue a bit.