Friday, June 13, 2008

an arby's sauce enema

must be pretty fucking invigorating, considering the fact that every third customer out of the 125+ that i have served tonight has asked for one or more of the following:

1.) "lots of arby's sauce"
2.) "lots and lots of arby's sauce"
3.) "a whole bunch of arby's sauce"
4.) "a lot, like two big handfuls"
5.) "plenty, like three big handfuls"
6.) "please come outside and help me assemble this simple pump and insert this tube into my ass so that i can begin the enema right here and now"

all of this with various grimaces, smiles, and posturing to show how serious they are about a sauce which is basically nothing more than tomato paste, vinegar, "spices" (actual quote from the packet) and enough preservatives to keep madonna looking young for the next thousand years.

seriously, folks. what are you doing with all of this sauce? is it becoming increasingly rare? is it some sort of black market currency or commodity? are you drinking it on the rocks? bathing in it? WHAT POSSIBLE REASON COULD YOU HAVE FOR DEMANDING 10+ PACKETS OF SAUCE PER 3 oz SANDWICH?

that is 5 ounces of sauce, which is 2 ounces more than your sandwich weighs. you are somehow consuming more sauce than sandwich, which is probably still illegal in alabama. even after putting in as much or more as i can, you honk the horn and demand more.

now, its usually not this bad. the reason for all of this madness? we only have 1/2 a case of this vile condiment to last the entire weekend.

when it rains, it pours.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

too much.

is never enough until tomorrow. after drinking more caffeine in 2 days than i have in my entire life, mixing in a healthy dose of booze, screaming as loud as i could and laughing so much and probably talking way more than i usually do, i feel like i'm going to puke, pass out, die, reanimate, throw up and die again. of course i have to be at work for this. i havent eaten a home cooked, nutritious meal in over a month, i'm floating a cheque for my rent, i'm 2 months behind on my savings plan, numerous other things are going haywire.

because of a-kon.

but it was worth it. that was a shitload of fun. next year i'll have a hotter outfit, bigger hair, more money and more booze. and more time off to recover! for god's sake, make the pain stop. i'm considering hiring someone to walk around and take pictures of me all weekend. there arent enough pics of me in existence and i'm tired of those corny mirror shots.

too much is never enough for me. too much will never kill me. but it does hurt after a while.