Saturday, May 10, 2008

i really need a

computer. among other things. i forgot just how much i love posting shit to this blog that no one reads but me. i just read back through the last couple of posts and it was like whoa. since all that constipation i've been the target several times, revisited secret addictions, kicked the habit, spent too much money on nothing and then learned to save it, struggled to afford to eat and gone close to broke because of my love for sushi. i've fallen into some pretty deep pits of self loathing and come out a new person. i'm closer to being who i truly am instead of a product of my environment. my job still sucks but i get paid enough that it almost makes up for it and i get a vacation soon. i get away with just about anything here and my boss still loves me. and sometimes i get to just sit back here and let everyone else work.

i still fuck up from time to time, i still have the capacity to do some incredibly stupid things when i'm drunk, and i still live with a somewhat constant state of nagging fear. but overall, in just 2 short years, my entire life and way of living have changed for the better.

i just hope i can be saved from my own mistakes, that i havent already made too many, that they are not lying in wait to come and ruin things once i achieve perfection.

time will tell...



SaRaM23 said...

I'm really glad the word SKANK led you to my site. Don't eat those things 3 days in a row again. For serious.

UmbrellaDown said...

I've been doing some reflecting since you left.

Your visit seemed to come out of the blue, and I really haven't been keeping up with your adventures and thinking of things I'd like to talk to you about, so I kind of found myself without much to say. However, hopefully you enjoyed seeing me again as i did you.

There was a surreal quality to it for me, because I used to always feel like I had so much to say the year right after you left.

Over time, I've only gotten to speak to you briefly here and there, months spanning the period inbetween, but you did leave a lasting impression with me when you left. So it was a bit like getting re-aquainted with someone I never finished knowing. Yes, that makes perfect sense.

You've never seen me mad, or taken a road trip with me, or had to cooperate to work through anything difficult. We've not been through alot. So peripheral status is fine, really :). As for the top 8, you can now you can do whatever you want with the damned thing because I don't like the concept of top 8 anyway :p

However, I have good news too.
I've had a good feeling since you left. You made me remember 2006, and in comparing now to those times that I last saw you, I think I've also done alot of growing due to some positive experiences and just other_experiences, haha.

I feel less lonely now, less self conscious, and more confident. More free. I also dwell less on my mistakes.

To steal your theme a little:

I've dated a handful, made some horrible mistakes in that arena and some friends as well, been out to clubs, know how it feels to be a leader to those seeking my advice, gotten out of a few dangeous situations before they got much worse, succeeded at college and turned my gpa around, kept a job, gone through endless battles with my restrictive parents including threats of all my belongings being out on the lawn, and learned more about life.

Also, I don't know if you could tell or not, but I felt very comfortable around you guys, moreso than some ppl I know in town. This was refreshing to me, considering how self concious I felt before when I first met you. I felt like I could just be myself completely.

moths are nice and mothra was actually one of my major likes last summer, but I also love chinchillas and maine coon cats.

-The Liz