Saturday, August 02, 2008

millions, celebrities, billions, angst, trillions, pent up rage (UPDATED) AGAIN!

update again!
now we have a policy that is basically "say yes, even if it makes no sense!" this is a fucking relief for me. now i dont have to worry about people bringing coupons from other stores, or from like 17 years ago, and having to argue with them about not being able to honor them. "just say yes!" well THANK FUCKING GOD! now i dont have to jack with a bunch of dimwits about miniscule amounts of US dollars! "hey, i have this coupon that i printed myself, it says me and the rest of my 30 friends eat free for life!" NO FUCKING PROBLEM! tell you what. you just tell me what you need and i will stuff it straight into your mouth! you dont even need to sit down! i hope you fucking choke! this stems from a particular incident as well as an overall shift in stingy company policies. oh ja, you know it was an incident that made this shit go down.

there is a free local rag called study breaks that has coupons from another arbys franchise published in the back. 2 for 3 regs, 2 for 4 beefnchiddrs. my franchise honors the 2 for 3, but the bfnchddrs is 2 for 5. why? god and our supreme district management only knows. so after countless employee meetings about how one discount cannot be combined with another (ie no pick 5 with a senior drink, no coupons and combos on the same order) we finally come to our senses and realize that for the most part, a good portion of our customers only show up when there are coupons out. coupons of any kind. if there were coupons stating "trade in your firstborn for a free swirl shake" i can guarantee there would be a line out the fucking door of slobbering fucks ready to trade in their blood kin for a goddamn jamocha fix. so now we have finally realized: "hey, our shit is PROHIBITIVELY EXPENSIVE! lets start honoring all coupons, with all other special offers, even though we previously thought arguing with people over miniscule amounts of money and food was a good idea!" well sheeeeeeee-yit! whod a thunk it? thats what they expect anyway! there was a "free roastburger with purchase of drink" special when roastburgers were launched. did they really expect people to agree with the "one per customer, per order, no other special offers accepted with coupon" shit? i get a guy in who asks if they have to do it separately, and when i say yes, he brings in his fucking wife and kids and they all just do separate orders, paying with the same card! how did ARG not see that coming? and honestly, i just smiled and helped the guy. this did not piss me off at all, in fact i was proud of him for beating the system! A SYSTEM OF MALEVOLENT PENNY PINCHING MADNESS

so anyway, this guy has a stockpile of these study breaks coupons in his house. he must, because he only comes in when he has them, and he only orders the 2 beeeeeffffnnchdddrsss for 4. thats it. and maybe a cup of water. no big deal, honestly, except that he is a bald headed ponytailed entitled fat son of a bitch who likes to throw tantrums. he knows, absolutely, that i couldnt give him the four bone price for what he wanted, because we've had the discussion several thousand times. "no sir, i'm sorry, this franchise does two for five. is that ok?" LOUD EXASPERATED SIGHS "YEAH I GUESS fuckin shit."

so one night he's in the drive thru and he throws a tantrum fit for a retarded 3 year old. "i'm sorry sir, we do the 2 for 5. is that ok?" "NO. A COUPON, IS A COUPON. PERIOD." "well, yes sir, this coupon indeed does appear to be a coupon, however it is not valid at all locations. i can offer you a special price our franchise is participating in, which is only a dollar more. will that be okay tonight?"

"GET ME THE NUMBER OF YOUR DISTRICT MANAGER!" as i am still holding his money. five bucks. keep in mind, this is over ONE MOTHERFUCKING DOLLAR! are we starting to notice a pattern here? at this point he stares straight ahead, refusing to take his money back. "get me your district manager's number." "ja, ok sir, i will totally do that, however you need to take your money back." think i'm going to let this tool accuse me of stealing later? uh uh. i hold this pose, him staring ahead, me leaning out the window holding his precious five singles, for the eternal span of about two and a half minutes. finally his wife ends the standoff and tells him to just pay for the fucking sandwiches and stop being such an asshole. when i give him his change, he throws it into his lap and all over the car, cursing the whole time. cut to me giving him his food, and my company VPs number. (district manager? what's that?) "WHATS YOUR NAME?!" i tell him my name. i stick my asinine fucking name tag out the window and repeat it twice because his crusty ass ears dont hear me at first.

he calls, raises hell, and now we always say yes. what a fucking relief. i was really tired of being the stonewall. i just want these people to be happy, fed, and out of my fucking face. i have a lot of customers that i like and care about. i have a few that are pains in my ass. but the only reason they get on me is because i cant give them free or discounted shit for no reason. well, now we dont have that problem, so all my asshole customers just became happy! THANK THE FUCKING CORPORATE GODS!

as long as they keep paying me, i will keep shoveling shit into the mouths of fatasses. happily.

on a side note, i got a practically deaf old man in the other day who wanted a senior discount. our senior discount consists of a 25 cent small drink with purchase of full price items. he was such an asshole while ordering that when he asked for his "senior discount" at payup time that i didnt say shit about that and just said "sorry, we dont have one." he rolls his rheumy eyes and gets his drink. when i give him his food, he asks "so what can i get for free?" AAAAAAAAAHAHAAHH ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS yes, he was. "well, you can have some more arby's sauce." ***silence*** "you're not like the other manager." bitch, what other manager? i'm the most lenient one! what the fuck are you trying to pull?

contrast this with the cute old man who came in at 9:59 to dine in as we closed, who was really nice and understanding and left no mess at his table, to whom i chatted with about work in general and gave ALL of our leftover turnovers to because we were throwing them out anyway. he thanked me sincerely and went on his way, probably to return many times and pay full price for everything! never demanding something free or discounted, this man had respect for me and himself. and i showed my appreciation with both excellent service and complimentary product! take a motherfucking lesson from this man, you stodgy entitled fucks!

(should a been its own post, huh?) ;)

UPDATE: this dude totally showed back up at the store and repeated the same exercise. he comes through drive thru and asks our gen mgr trainee (who is awesome btw) to do something we couldnt do. "hey, listen. i left my coupons at home, can you just give me the coupon price now and i'll bring back the coupons later tonite?" (you wouldnt believe how many ppl try this.) our mgr trainee politely replies in the negative, because we cant do that. what, you want to pay me tuesday for a hamburger today? so the guy then gets pissed off, calls the crew members various dirty names and exhorts his title of morning news radio guy while peeling out right into the mgrs ear. now, 5 minutes later, he comes back in and asks for the manager. our trainee looks around, probably thinking to himself something along the lines of "holy fuck, thats me! i get to deal with this dipshit a second time!", and asks how he can help him. the guy somewhat calmly goes into his crybaby spiel about how he is just an innocent customer and our evil crew members fucked him over and raised the prices and refused to serve him. to which the manager replies, "actually sir, that was me, and i really dont appreciate you cussing me out." (starting to sound familiar?) well, now the guy realizes that he is up against the wall with this shit and he is not going to get anywhere with his scam. he blows up and starts cussing and stomping up and down, actually opens the door and yells obscenities at the customers outside, screams at the crew that the problem is that they "just dont care" and then made a funny face at us, hopped up and down flipping us off as he stormed out. remember folks, this is all over a miniscule amount of money, and the problem, as with last time, is not that we didnt care about him or didnt do our jobs correctly, it is that he wanted us to do something that we are not allowed to do. if i or my crew starts giving out discounts by accident or at will or randomly or whatever, without the proper coupon or discount qualification, we can get disciplined or terminated. now, there are times when it is expedient or appropriate to let someone use an expired coupon, or give them a coupon price when they dont have their coupons or discount card. i've done it before, and i'll probably do it again. however, this hinges on whether or not this person is trying to take us to the cleaners, and whether or not they are civil, understanding, and kind. if you are nice to me, and your behaviour suggests that you understand that i cant just give this shit away, or maybe you werent happy with something else and brought it to my attention in an orderly, polite manner, chances are i'll hook you up, and i'll do it with a smile. but if you come in my store demeaning and degrading my or my crew's very lives and value as human beings it's more likely that i'll have you thrown out, or at least make sure you pay as much as i can charge you.

all that aside, i think this guy definitely needs a stiff drink, a punch in the face and some anger management courses.

the past 2 days at work have been terrifying. first, i pissed off my best crew members and 2 of my closest comrades in arms because i'm their "boss", and well, they were fucking up. i had to be a dick. its what bosses do. needless to say, they have put me in the doghouse and will barely even look at me outside of work, however after i shat on them workflow improved 100%. this day tripled my misery index.

i come in the next day prepared for the next pile of shit to drop. lo and behold, the arbys website is promoting the "new" (old) pick 5 for 5.95.

let me quickly answer the most common question i get here:

Q: what are your specials? (read: "what all yall got that 5 fer 5 reglar beefnchiddrs fer 5 or whatever er somethin?")

the answer will demonstrate one of my biggest frustrations with this job.

A: "we have the 5 buck roundup, which is 2 popcorn chicken for $5, 3 beef and cheddars for $5, or 4 regular roast beef for $5. we also have 2 beef and cheddars for $4, 2 southern chicken sandwiches for $4, and the pick 5 for $6.95, which consists of the 8 items at the top of the menu board."

a bit long winded and repetitive, wouldnt you agree? so here's my answer:

"i've got a ton of specials. what do you want?"

a long time ago, like in 1994, the dollar was not in the toilet and arbys had a deal where they offered 5 sandwiches for $5. not a bad deal right? well here we are, years later, with inflation constantly rising along with the price of fuel, which is driving up the price of absolutely every fucking thing you could possibly imagine spending money on. so arbys simply cannot afford to offer such an amazing deal anymore, they would lose money. so they raise the price of the pick 5 from that oh so catchy $5 to $5.95. well, people start to lose their shit, but not too bad. a few months later, with the cost of running a business continuing to rise, the pick 5 jumps up to $6.95. no surprise, right? wrong.

even 14 years or so after offering 5 items for the loftily catchy price of $5, people still react with shock and sometimes anger (yes, anger) over a minor price increase from their beloved redheaded stepchild of fast food. here's some news for you folks: arbys is damn near prohibitively expensive. it always has been. this is why they have to lure customers with stupid gimmicks like making everything rhyme with five. for the cost of dinner at arbys for a family of 4, i could cook a meal that would last that same family 2 or 3 days.

ok, i'm just ranting now. back to the point.

yesterday, i came prepared for the next pile of shit to drop, and by god did it ever drop. arbys restaurant group has decided for whatever reason to knock the pick 5 price back down to $5.95. thats great right? more business and all that. wrong motherfucker! just when i got done explaining to the 148946859748515648941564894156489th customer that no, the pick 5 costs $6.95, it hasnt been 5 bucks for fucking years, these cocky motherfuckers at ARG decide to just knock it back down a buck, presumably just to shave a few more years off my life.

so to add to the confusion, this deal rolls out on the internet without my knowledge. in fact, this progresses without the knowledge of anyone in the local stores. only our wonderful regional supervisors know about this, but of course it doesnt go on tv until sunday, so they just dont find the time to tell us out here in the trenches about this staggering development.

i know what you're thinking. "what the fuck is the big deal man, it's a buck! gimme the 5 beefnchiddrs fer 5 already!"

basically some guy saw the website, called in and talked to our asst mgr and asks about the special. he tells me about it, and of course i am a little miffed, because i'm trying to do about 1000+ other things while this new shit is being dropped on me and this guy is about to split in the middle of a rush without helping me get my shift situated. all in all, no big deal, it's like this every day. so the guy shows up in the drive thru, and orders the pick 5 "FOR 5.95". well, we get this shit all the time, so the guy working the DT informs him that it's 6.95. that's cool, right? WRONG! homie then loftily declares that "i just spoke with your manager, i saw it on your WEBSITE, it's 5.95." the guy at drive thru is completely dumbfounded by this as he has not been told anything about this, as i just found out 5 minutes before and was too busy to tell everybody. so i get on the horn and tell the guy to hold on for just a moment please while i let everyone know about the new price and show them all how to ring it up. i am not at all surprised when i find that there is actually no way that i am aware of to ring this shit up. we come up with the temporary solution of ringing up something else that costs 5.95, and just writing down what he wants to pick.

after a few minutes of this wheel spinning, mind melting fun, i get back on with the guy and tell him we are ready to go. the frustration i am feeling must have been evident in my voice because i am completely incapable of hiding it. so what does the guy ask for after all this shit? nothing other than 5 BEEF AND CHEDDARS. why is this such a clusterfuck?

well, everything on our menu looks and sounds exactly the same, including the specials, which i explained earlier. the real nitty gritty of this shitfest is that the most popular items, the arbys melt and the beef and cheddar, share the same concept but have completely different taste and cost. yes, they both consist of "beef" and "cheddar", but one is called the beef and cheddar, one is not. this completely stupid, confusing and asinine product design, placement, and naming convention could only have been conceived of by the people who run arbys.

usually i dont try to explain the difference to people unless they ask. if they order the pick 5, all beef and cheddars, i just give them arby melts. no one seems to notice usually. but in my stressed out state i made the mistake of trying to explain to this moron that there is a difference between these two digusting excuses for sandwiches. "you've got to be kidding me! THAT'S NOT WHAT IT SAYS ON YOUR WEBSITE! THAT'S NOT WHAT IT SAYS ON YOUR WEBSITE!". dude, i dont run the website. i dont even go to the website. i dont set the prices or make the specials. i just work here sometimes. "sir, if you've got a problem with the way the pricing and menu is set up you shouldnt be yelling at me, you should call the corporate office and ask them why they've rolled out a new price on a special without informing the management or crew of their stores, and you can also ask them what the difference is between these two sandwiches and why they look and sound exactly the same." i say this with obvious disdain as i am now completely losing my shit at this guy and the corporate fucking headquarters. hearing that i am now starting to get pissed, the guy says "well, do you want me as a customer or not? i might just go somewhere else!" frankly, if you are a total dick right off the bat and only came here to save a fucking dollar, i dont want to be within 500 fucking miles of you, ever!

"well, sir i'd like to help you if i can, but it seem we've reached an impasse here. i've told you what i can do for you, now would you like to order or not?" so as he's peeling out of the drive thru, squealing his wheels right into my fucking ear, he screams "OH YEAH, WELL I DO THE MORNING NEWS AT WOAI AND WE'LL BE TALKING ABOUT THIS TOMORROW!"

wonderful. so 5 minutes later the guy calls and asks for the manager. well, i look around, and what do you know! that's me! holy fuck, i get to deal with this dumbshit a second time! i must really love abuse. i get on the phone with him, and he thinks i'm the guy he spoke to on the phone. "no sir, i'm actually the guy you just squealed your tires at. nice car btw. now what else can i do for you?" he repeats the same lame argument, using his talk radio mastery to push all my buttons, interrupt me a lot, and sound indignant about everything. "THATS NOT WHAT IT SAYS ON YOUR WEBSITE!" "ONCE AGAIN SIR, I DONT RUN THE WEBSITE. I DONT EVEN GO THERE. I'VE TOLD YOU WHAT I CAN DO FOR YOU AND YOU DONT WANT IT! NOW WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?" "well, look, are you going to help me out or should i just go somewhere else?" "well, i've been trying to explain the difference between the .." "NEVER MIND I'M GOING SOMEWHERE ELSE*CLICK*".

keep in mind folks, this is all over ONE MOTHERFUCKING DOLLAR!
when are you people going to realize that it is not worth arguing with, demeaning and abusing your fellow human beings over shitty food and miniscule amounts of money? when will you wake the fuck up?!

i seriously dont know how much more of this i can take.


Wednesday, July 23, 2008

real stick construction, pennies on the dinar

you know what really bugs me? when i'm working in the drive thru, wind blowing 140 miles an hour, and every single customer tries to hand me their cash a different way. some do the fold the change up in the bills and toss it thing, hoping it will somehow magically get into my hand. others prefer to weakly hold the bills between pinky and ring finger while hiding change somewhere on top or below the bills, so that no matter how i grab it i lose either the change or the cash. or they lean in and out trying to make sure i've got it, moving it everywhere even though my hand is perfectly still, waiting for them to finally figure out the target area.

change on top, change on the bottom, this is a petty detail. who gives a damn as long as the money changes hands neatly and quickly?

here's a tip: cash first, change second. or change first, cash second. whatever you do, do it swiftly, decisively, and separately.

and stop throwing the money on the counter when you come inside. you expect me to be able to see all that change and the crumpled bills you piled up in front of the massive point of purchase advertisements all over my counter? hand it to me like a person, dont throw it at me like i'm a coin chute at a tollway.

its a wonder fast food workers dont go on killing sprees more often.

one more year... can i last that long?

Friday, June 13, 2008

an arby's sauce enema

must be pretty fucking invigorating, considering the fact that every third customer out of the 125+ that i have served tonight has asked for one or more of the following:

1.) "lots of arby's sauce"
2.) "lots and lots of arby's sauce"
3.) "a whole bunch of arby's sauce"
4.) "a lot, like two big handfuls"
5.) "plenty, like three big handfuls"
6.) "please come outside and help me assemble this simple pump and insert this tube into my ass so that i can begin the enema right here and now"

all of this with various grimaces, smiles, and posturing to show how serious they are about a sauce which is basically nothing more than tomato paste, vinegar, "spices" (actual quote from the packet) and enough preservatives to keep madonna looking young for the next thousand years.

seriously, folks. what are you doing with all of this sauce? is it becoming increasingly rare? is it some sort of black market currency or commodity? are you drinking it on the rocks? bathing in it? WHAT POSSIBLE REASON COULD YOU HAVE FOR DEMANDING 10+ PACKETS OF SAUCE PER 3 oz SANDWICH?

that is 5 ounces of sauce, which is 2 ounces more than your sandwich weighs. you are somehow consuming more sauce than sandwich, which is probably still illegal in alabama. even after putting in as much or more as i can, you honk the horn and demand more.

now, its usually not this bad. the reason for all of this madness? we only have 1/2 a case of this vile condiment to last the entire weekend.

when it rains, it pours.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

too much.

is never enough until tomorrow. after drinking more caffeine in 2 days than i have in my entire life, mixing in a healthy dose of booze, screaming as loud as i could and laughing so much and probably talking way more than i usually do, i feel like i'm going to puke, pass out, die, reanimate, throw up and die again. of course i have to be at work for this. i havent eaten a home cooked, nutritious meal in over a month, i'm floating a cheque for my rent, i'm 2 months behind on my savings plan, numerous other things are going haywire.

because of a-kon.

but it was worth it. that was a shitload of fun. next year i'll have a hotter outfit, bigger hair, more money and more booze. and more time off to recover! for god's sake, make the pain stop. i'm considering hiring someone to walk around and take pictures of me all weekend. there arent enough pics of me in existence and i'm tired of those corny mirror shots.

too much is never enough for me. too much will never kill me. but it does hurt after a while.


Saturday, May 10, 2008

i really need a

computer. among other things. i forgot just how much i love posting shit to this blog that no one reads but me. i just read back through the last couple of posts and it was like whoa. since all that constipation i've been the target several times, revisited secret addictions, kicked the habit, spent too much money on nothing and then learned to save it, struggled to afford to eat and gone close to broke because of my love for sushi. i've fallen into some pretty deep pits of self loathing and come out a new person. i'm closer to being who i truly am instead of a product of my environment. my job still sucks but i get paid enough that it almost makes up for it and i get a vacation soon. i get away with just about anything here and my boss still loves me. and sometimes i get to just sit back here and let everyone else work.

i still fuck up from time to time, i still have the capacity to do some incredibly stupid things when i'm drunk, and i still live with a somewhat constant state of nagging fear. but overall, in just 2 short years, my entire life and way of living have changed for the better.

i just hope i can be saved from my own mistakes, that i havent already made too many, that they are not lying in wait to come and ruin things once i achieve perfection.

time will tell...


being gay stinks sometimes

it seriously has its own peculiar smell. men dont smell very good. and then you get those guys that want to do it and then act like it never happened. its wierd. i could probably write a whole shitload on this... but i cant right now.

life is getting very strange. it has always been strange, but sometimes its downright frightening.

but i always feel frightened when i'm this hung over. i'll be okay in a few days. like pickles from the oblongs once said "i'm sorry, i'm on the second day of my three day hangover."

i think this one may last 4...


Thursday, May 08, 2008

the terra firma is dulce liquido

do you know how long it took me to write this and then find out that i wouldnt fit in a comment? sheesh. here ya go:

your profile doesnt make any sense. it is a departure from the norm of myspace and i feel like i am being left behind by a new, befuddling comment technology which i do not understand.

before i get started, i would like to alert you to the silliness of posting your innermost thoughts in comments instead of emails. if you email someone, only you, that person, and whoever else has your password or a subpoena can read that text. a comment, however, can be viewed by anyone at any time, and i dont think you would want mom or dad to see your innermost thoughts because, well, i know you just dont. keep that in mind. the cops read myspace, too.

anyway. i would have taken my own advice and msgd you but you seem to have it disabled on your page. whateher. you should definitely start saving. i just emailed dad and asked him what he thought about you coming here, so we'll see what happens with that. it would help your cause to be more forthcoming with them about the subject. tell them you want to see the museums, the gigantic pair of boots in front of the mall, the riverwalk, the touristy educational stuff, etc. tell them you miss me and you want to see what it's like here (its fucking HOT).

i dont understand you not wanting mom and dad to know what you do, because unlike what i used to do, i think a great deal of your life wouldnt upset them. in fact, they might be happy to hear you are doing so well in so many ways, instead of seeing you for what you present, which is a wall of silence. unfortunately our parents never learned to communicate effectively with family members. look at dad's family, and worse, mom's family. they have no idea how to talk to each other, let alone confusing young'ns. mom's family got their points across by fighting, and dad's family was all quite withdrawn. however, they gave you and i one thing their parents refused them: freedom. more freedom than most kids get even after they move out. so at least be grateful for that, and make an effort, for their sake, to get to know them so they can know you. there's only so much you can do, but a little's better than nothing.

you feel alienated and out of place because you are out of place. salisbury is a bleak and unmoving place, where the only change that ever occurs is a new shopping center being built somewhere. you need to, and will, leave there. i am incredibly relieved and surprised to know that you arent doing what i did when i was growing up there (get throwed on the daily).

society is awful. it always will be. however, if you arent comfortable with the standard lifestyle, you have a choice. however, any amount of success in doing anything requires some effort. you dont have to go to school 8-3. when and if you graduate you dont have to work 9-5, if you set your sights higher than salisbury. what do you want to do? figure it out, and find out where and when you

omfg this shouldnt be this hard! fucking IT pppl at sac just truncated over half my msg by limiting the amt of space on the clipboard. it wasnt myspace after all. shit...


can do it, and then do it.

well shit. i had this whole fucking half page of soapbox shit that i wrote that sounded all great, but whatever. the point is, you should come see me, you will have a great time, you need to talk to dad and mom about it, get them to call me about it, save your money for it, look forward to it and make it happen. salisbury sucks. always has, always will. you need to move and you will when you're ready.

let me know whats up, msg me or call me. and for kicks go watch this vid. i love this guy and i just got this album

"mask" by soman

i love you. call me. i miss you. i need your touch... oh, wait. wrong line

i need a drink. finals are over and i'm going to get throwed


Monday, February 18, 2008

what sort of life is this

and it was stupid. but it was what i wanted. all night i thought of what

i wanted to do, and i thought "i wish ariel was here, to enojoy this

music with me, to read a book next to me. through the day i was happy,

and i wished that i could have someone to sit next to me and read, to be

there and appreciate the pretense of just being together and loving the

silence. to listen to the music of many different cultures and love a

story of proportions impossible to the world of the living. when

circumstances provided an out, a way for me to live my dream to the

fullest, souls rallied and made the point moot, for years to come. my

life, my life. what gods have played out my fate on their board? it goes

on and on. i feel them hate me from all sides, but it is temporary. what

comes tomorrow? i can only hope that a distillate will temper the pain

that i feel every day.